Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
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Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
@funTweeters
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.