@Smiilze

I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

@jwoodham

Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”

@EndhooS

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

@better_off_dad2

*phone rings

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Can you do it?’

@realbjdunne

her: i like a guy who takes his time

me (seductively): i wore diapers until 5th grade

@PoorEvelyn

Sometimes words just aren’t enough.

And that’s why we have middle fingers.

@jdforshort

Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up

~Mosquitos

@ParaJanitor

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.