Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?