Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset