I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

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Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle


You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.


MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were


[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean


If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.


Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]

My microwave:


So everyone knows, it’s frowned upon to yell “Hot potato” when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them


Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.


FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out


“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”