Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
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You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[getting a massage]
MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin
SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]
So everyone knows, it’s frowned upon to yell “Hot potato” when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”