I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?