I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Please let me in.. 😂
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