I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.