I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.