(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Expect the unexporcupine.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.