I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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*checks Timeline*…
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?