I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
This is why I hate group projects
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.