Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

The three genders.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.