Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

his wife is probably gonna see that