Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

April 1st is the class clown of days.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.