I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
You Might Also Like
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Awwwww shit.
this is a sign that you need a union
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him