Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”