Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night