Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My recliner and I go way back

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.