Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

They did not miss in the small print

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

😏😏😏

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.