Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”