Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.