I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
