Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

britain’s three elite institutions

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece