I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting