I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.