Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Seems legit

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

I found your tweet-up…

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.