Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot