I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
You Might Also Like
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The legends were true
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin