I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
DOOO EEEET
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.