Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

nyc:

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

You know I’m something of a chef myself

I don’t know what to do

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.