Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

How it started: How it’s going:

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.