I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
giddy up Office Depot
My blood type is b hungry.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.