I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing