I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
wtf
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell