I heard many of these stories growing up…. πππ
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Accidently used the word βhenceforthβ in my third graderβs book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleepβ¦which means heβs already a lot like me.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The name England comes from the words βengorgedβ and βglandβ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
βCoffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?β says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings