Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

Tuesday

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Baking is just science you can eat.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.