I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.