I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake