I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
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It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.