Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Man these end times are taking forever

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

they should create new variants of dopamine

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?