Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

that wasn’t the question

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?