Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: