SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!
ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!