I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Pickled cat.