I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
oh my gosh!!
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.