I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
he was correct
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it