Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

You are not alone 💚

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!