Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.