Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

Does it…does it take 3 days

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

I think this might be relevant today.

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall