I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

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Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.


Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.


*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”


Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.


How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush


*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell


[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”


The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.


Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What