Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I like my pizza like I like my pizza: pizza
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good