Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.