Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

Fun Things

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.