Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.