I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Help
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.