I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.