Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.