I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool