Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

yeah 😭

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life