Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.