Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.