I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
You Might Also Like
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Story of my life…..
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
this is 10/10 content no notes
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.