Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”