I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.