I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
when u come home smelling like another dog
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset