People will excuse almost anything if you carry your toothbrush with purpose, everywhere.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Opinions are like orgasms, mine matter most and I don’t care if you have one.
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?