Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot