I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.

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When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?


BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple


Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?


FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys


If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries


My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.


Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait


“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*


5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.


M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.


First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming