I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Monday Lisa
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.