@Anti_Joke_Apple

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.

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@skitzoette

When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?

@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

@AlisonChrista

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

@TysonMarie

If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries

@skittle624

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

@McNevich

Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

@RocketRankoon

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming