My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.