“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Y’all know who you are.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me driving through Toronto
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.