Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

don’t we all

Happens to everyone.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

I am thick and tired. 🙄