Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

😭😭

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

I feel this so hard

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it