Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Can’t. Being lazy.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)