Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message