I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
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i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Sheep
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.