I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
You Might Also Like
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”