I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.