Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Don’t forget to tip your server